Figaro - Usage, Master Double-Hand, is often an abuse. The client, with a little instruction, always knows his own cause better than certain advocates, who, in a cold sweat, shouting at the top of their voices, and knowing everything, feel as little embarrassment in ruining the pleader as in boring the auditory and putting the judges to sleep: more puffed up afterward than if they had composed the "Oration for Murena [Cicero's]. As for me, I will state the fact in a few words. Gentlemen Double-Hand-Many of them would be useless, for you are not the plaintiff, and have only the defense. Come forward, doctor, and read the promise. Figaro -Yes, the promise! Bartholo [putting on his glasses] — It is precise. Crier [yelling]-Silence ! 66 Bartholo [reads] - "I the undersigned acknowledge having received from Damoiselle, etc., Marceline de Verte-Allure, in the castle of Cold Spring, the sum of two thousand great piastres; which sum I will repay her at her requisition, in this castle, & I will marry her by form of acknowledgment," etc. Signed Figaro, merely. My motions are for the payment of the note and the execution of the promise, with expenses. [To the Judges] Gentlemen - no cause more interesting was ever submitted to the Court; and since Alexander the Great, who promised marriage to the fair Thalestris Count Before going further, Advocate, is there agreement on the validity of the paper? Brid'oison-What oppo- What oppo-po-position do you make to this reading? Figaro That there is, gentlemen, malice, error, or heedlessness in the manner in which that piece has been read: for it is not said in the writing, "which sum I will repay her, and I will marry her," but "which sum I will repay her, or I will marry her," which is very different. Count Is there and in the document, or or? Brid'oison-D-double-Hand, read it yourself. Double-Hand [taking the paper] - And that is the surest way, for the parties often disguise it in reading. [Reads] ha!" which sum I will repay at her requisition in this castle § —or — § — or-" The word is so badly written - there is a blot it is like pi. Brid'oison-A p-pie? I know what that is. Bartholo [to the Judges]—I maintain that it is the copulative conjunction and which unites the correlative members of the phrase: I will pay the damsel, and I will marry her. Figaro - I maintain that it is the alternative conjunction or which separates the said members: I will pay the dam'sell, or I will marry her. To a pedant, a pedant and a half. If anybody presumes to speak Latin, I am a Greek there; I exterminate him. Count - How can such a question be decided? Bartholo-To cut it short, gentlemen, and not to quibble over a word, let us admit that it was or. Figaro-I demand judgment on it. Bartholo― Let us stop there. So wretched a refuge shall not save the guilty. Let us examine the document in this sense. [Reads] "Which sum I will repay her in the castle or I will marry her." This is as if one should say, gentlemen : *"You must be snug in bed or you have blood let," that is, before. "He must mix the two effervescing powders or he drinks them:" before he drinks them. Thus "in the castle or I will marry her," gentlemen, is: "in the castle before — Figaro-Not at all; the phrase is in the sense of this: "Either the sickness will kill you or it will be the doctor:" or the doctor, surely that is incontestable. Another example: "Either you will write nothing that pleases, or the fools will vilify you :" or the fools, surely; the sense is clear; for in the said case, fools or knaves is the substantive which governs. Does Master Bartholo think I have forgotten my syntax? So I will pay her in the castle, comma, or I will marry her Bartholo [quickly]· Without comma. Figaro [quickly]-It is there. It is comma, gentlemen, or I will certainly marry her. Bartholo [quickly, as he looks at the paper ] — Without comma, gentlemen. 1The pun in the original, on ou (or) and où (where), being impossible of transference into English, the matter between asterisks has been adapted to a new one. All the rest is Beaumarchais's own. Figaro [quickly]- It was there, gentlemen. Furthermore, is the man who marries her held to reimburse her? Bartholo [quickly] - Yes: we marry distinct from our property. Figaro [quickly]-And we from our bodies, seeing that marriage is not a quittance. [The Judges rise and confer in low voices. Bartholo- A ridiculous discharge ! Double-Hand-Silence, gentlemen! Crier [yelling]-Silence! Bartholo-Such a knave, calling that paying his debts! Figaro Is it your cause, Advocate, that you are pleading? BartholoI defend this damsel. Figaro Go on blathering, but stop libeling. While, fearing the passions of the pleaders, the tribunals have allowed the calling in of third parties, they have not meant that moderate defenders should become with impunity privileged insulters. That is to degrade the noblest of institutions. [The Judges continue to confer in low voices. Antonio [to MARCELINE, pointing to the Judges] — What do they find to chatter about so long? Marceline-The chief judge has been corrupted; he corrupts the other and I lose my suit. Bartholo [in a low voice and sombre tone] — I am afraid. Double-Hand [to MARCELINE, rising] — Ah! it is too rank: I denounce you; and for the honor of the tribunal, I demand, before giving decision on the other matter, that it be pronounced on this. - Count [seating himself] — No, Mr. Clerk, I will not pronounce on my personal injury: a Spanish judge must not have to blush for an excess worthy of Asiatic tribunals; there are enough other abuses. I am going to correct a second in giving you the reasons for my decree every judge who refuses that is a great enemy of the laws. What does the plaintiff demand? marriage in default of payment; they are involved together. Double-Hand-Silence, gentlemen! Crier [yelling]-Silence! Count-What does the defendant answer? that he wishes to keep his person: permitted him. Figaro [joyfully]-I have won ! Count But as the text says, "which sum I will pay on the first requisition, or I will certainly marry her," etc.: the Court condemns the defendant to pay two thousand great piastres to the plaintiff, or else to marry her on that day. [Rises. Figaro [stupefied] — I am lost. Antonio [joyfully] — Superb decree ! Antonio-In your being no longer my nephew. Many thanks, my lord. Crier [yelling]-Pass out, gentlemen! [People go out. Antonio-I am going to tell my niece all about it. Marceline [sitting down] - Ah! I breathe again! [Goes out. Count [aside]-At least I am revenged: there is that consolation. Figaro... My lord, are you leaving us? Figaro - Undoubtedly. And I will not marry her: I am a former gentleman. Bartholo-You will marry her. Figaro Without the consent of my noble parents? Figaro - I must be given a little time: I am very near seeing them again; it is fifteen years that I have been hunting for them. Bartholo-The coxcomb! he is some foundling! Figaro A lost child, Doctor, or rather a stolen child. to shriek that he has been injured! He wants Figaro - My lord, even if the lace baby-clothes, embroidered diapers, and gold jewelry found on me by the brigands did not indicate my high birth, the precaution which had been taken to make distinctive marks on me would sufficiently witness how precious a son I was; and this hieroglyph on my [Begins to bare his right arm. Marceline [rising quickly]-A spatula on your right arm? Figaro Where did you find out I had it? arm Marceline - My God! it is he! Figaro - Yes; it is I. Bartholo [to MARCELINE] - And who is "he"? Marceline [quickly]- It is Emmanuel! Bartholo [to FIGARO] — You were carried off by the gyp sies? Figaro [excitedly] - Very near a castle. My good Doctor, if you will return me to my noble family, fix your price for the service; heaps of gold would not stand in the way of my illustrious parents. me Bartholo [pointing to MARCELINE] - Behold your mother. Figaro-?- Nurse? Bartholo Your own mother. Count His mother! Figaro - Explain yourself. Marceline [pointing to BARTHOLO] -Behold your father. Figaro [disconsolately]-Oh! oh! oh! woe is me. Has nature not told it to you a thousand times? Count [aside]- His mother! Brid'oison-C-clearly, he won't marry her. Bartholo No more has it me. Marceline-Nor you! and your son! You have sworn to Bartholo I was crazy. If such mementoes constituted an engagement, one would be bound to marry everybody. And if one was so p-particular as that, n-no Brid'oison body would marry anybody. Bartholo-Such notorious sins! a deplorable youth! Marceline [growing heated by degrees] - Yes, deplorable, and more than would be believed! I don't mean to deny my sins, this day has proved them too well! But how hard it is to expiate them after thirty years of a modest life! I-even I was born to be wise, and I became so as soon as I was permitted to use my reason. But in the age of illusions, of inexperience, and of needs, when tempters besiege us while poverty stabs us, what can a child oppose to so many enemies at once? Some one passes a harsh judgment on us here, who perhaps in his life has ruined ten unfortunates. Figaro-The most guilty are the least generous; that is the rule. Marceline [quickly]· -Men more than ungrateful, who blast with scorn the playthings of your passions, your victims! it is you who must needs punish the errors of our youth; you and your magistrates, so vain of the right of judging us, |