Peter, we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple, and never differ again, you know: ha! ha ha! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you so bye! bye!

[Exit.

Sir Peter-Plagues and tortures! can't I make her angry either! Oh, I'm the most miserable fellow! But I'll not bear her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart, but she shan't keep her temper.

Scene: A Library in JOSEPH SURFACE'S House.

Enter JOSEPH SURFACE and Servant.

Joseph Surface - No letter from Lady Teazle?
Servant-No, sir.

[Exit.

Joseph Surface [aside]-I am surprised she has not sent, if she is prevented from coming. Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not lose the heiress, through the scrape I have drawn myself into with the wife; however, Charles' imprudence and bad character are great points in my favor. [Knocking without. Servant Sir, I believe that must be Lady Teazle. Joseph Surface - Hold! See whether it is or not, before you go to the door: I have a particular message for you if it should be my brother.

Servant 'Tis her ladyship, sir; she always leaves her chair at the milliner's in the next street.

Joseph Surface - Stay, stay; draw that screen before the window that will do; — my opposite neighbor is a maiden lady of so curious a temper. [Servant draws the screen, and exit.] I have a difficult hand to play in this affair. Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but she must by no means be let into that secret, - at least, till I have her more in my power.

Enter LADY TEAZLE.

Lady Teazle-What, sentiment in soliloquy now? Have you been very impatient? O Lud! don't pretend to look grave. I vow I couldn't come before.

Joseph Surface - O madam, punctuality is a species of constancy very unfashionable in a lady of quality.

[Places chairs, and sits after LADY TEAZLE is seated.

Lady TeazleUpon my word you ought to pity me. Do you know, Sir Peter is grown so ill-natured to me of late, and so jealous of Charles too - that's the best of the story, isn't it? Joseph Surface - I am glad my scandalous friends keep that up. [Aside. Lady Teazle-I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry him, and then perhaps he would be convinced; don't you, Mr. Surface?

Joseph Surface [aside] - Indeed I do not.- [Aloud] Oh, certainly I do! for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly girl.

Lady Teazle - Well, well, I'm inclined to believe you. But isn't it provoking to have the most ill-natured things said of one? And there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation too; that's what vexes me.

Joseph Surface - Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provoking circumstance without foundation; yes, yes, there's the mortification, indeed; for, when a scandalous story is believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it.

Lady Teazle - No, to be sure, then I'd forgive their malice; but to attack me, who am really so innocent, and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody— that is, of any friend; and then Sir Peter, too, to have him so peevish, and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my own heart—indeed 'tis monstrous !

Joseph Surface But, my dear Lady Teazle, 'tis your own fault if you suffer it. When a husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his wife, and withdraws his confidence from her, the original compact is broken, and she owes it to the honor of her sex to endeavor to outwit him.

Lady Teazle-Indeed! So that, if he suspects me without cause, it follows that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't?

Joseph Surface - Undoubtedly-for your husband should never be deceived in you: and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment.

Lady Teazle-To be sure, what you say is very reasonable, and when the consciousness of my innocence

Joseph Surface-Ah, my dear madam, there is the great

mistake! 'tis this very conscious innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to you. What is it makes you negligent of forms, and careless of the world's opinion? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you thoughtless in your conduct, and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? why, the consciousness of your innocence.

Lady Teazle-'Tis very true!

Joseph Surface - Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if you would but once make a trifling faux pas, you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humor and agree with your husband.

Lady Teazle-Do you think so?

Joseph Surface - Oh, I am sure on't; and then you would find all scandal would cease at once, for in short, your character at present is like a person in a plethora, absolutely dying from too much health.

Lady Teazle-So, so; then I perceive your prescription is that I must sin in my own defense, and part with my virtue to preserve my reputation?

Joseph Surface - Exactly so, upon my credit, ma'am.

Lady Teazle-Well, certainly this is the oddest doctrine, and the newest receipt for avoiding calumny!

Joseph Surface-An infallible one, believe me. Prudence, like experience, must be paid for.

Lady Teazle-Why, if my understanding were once convinced

Joseph Surface- Oh, certainly, madam, your understanding should be convinced. Yes, yes — Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you thought wrong. No, no, I have too much honor to desire it.

Lady Teazle-Don't you think we may as well leave honor out of the argument?

[Rises. Joseph Surface — Ah, the ill effects of your country education, I see, still remain with you.

Lady Teazle-I doubt they do indeed; and I will fairly own to you that if I could be persuaded to do wrong, it would be by Sir Peter's ill usage sooner than your honorable logic, after all.

of

Joseph Surface-Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy [Taking her hand.

Reënter Servant.

'Sdeath, you blockhead - what do you want?

Servant I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you would not choose Sir Peter to come up without announcing him.

Joseph Surface-Sir Peter! Oons- the devil!

Lady Teazle-Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm

ruined!

Servant Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

Lady Teazle-Oh! I'm quite undone! What will become of me? Now, Mr. Logic- Oh! mercy, sir, he's on the stairs -I'll get behind here—and if ever I'm so imprudent again— [Goes behind the screen.

Joseph Surface - Give me that book.

[Sits down. Servant pretends to adjust his chair.

Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE.

Sir Peter-Ay, ever improving himself - Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface [Pats JOSEPH on the shoulder.

Joseph Surface -Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon - [Gaping, throws away the book.] I have been dozing over a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged to you for this call. You haven't been here, I believe, since I fitted up this room. Books, you know, are the only things I am a coxcomb in.

Sir Peter-'Tis very neat indeed. Well, well, that's proper; and you can make even your screen a source of knowledge-hung, I perceive, with maps.

Joseph Surface - Oh, yes, I find great use in that screen. Sir Peter I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find anything in a hurry.

Joseph Surface — Ay, or to hide anything in a hurry either.

Sir Peter-Well, I have a little private business
Joseph Surface - You need not stay.

Servant No, sir.

[Aside.

[To Servant. [Exit.

Joseph Surface - Here's a chair, Sir Peter-I beg Sir Peter Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, my dear friend, on which I wish to unburden my mind to youa point of the greatest moment to my peace; in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.

Joseph Surface - Indeed! I am very sorry to hear it.

Sir Peter-Yes, 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me; but, what's worse, I have pretty good authority to suppose she has formed an attachment to another.

Joseph Surface-Indeed! you astonish me!

Sir Peter Yes! and, between ourselves, I think I've discovered the person.

Joseph Surface - How! you alarm me exceedingly.

Sir Peter-Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sympathize with me!

Joseph Surface-Yes, believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you.

Sir Peter-I am convinced of it. Ah! it is a happiness to have a friend whom we can trust even with one's family secrets. But have you no guess who I mean?

Joseph Surface - I haven't the most distant idea. It can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite!

Sir Peter-Oh, no! What say you to Charles?

Joseph Surface - My brother! impossible!

Sir Peter Oh, my dear friend, the goodness of your own heart misleads you. You judge of others by yourself.

Joseph Surface-Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slow to credit another's treachery.

Sir Peter

True; but your brother has no sentiment you never hear him talk so.

Joseph Surface - Yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself has too much principle.

Sir Peter-Ay; but what is principle against the flattery of a handsome, lively young fellow?

Joseph Surface — That's very true.

Sir Peter And then, you know, the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any great affection for me; and if she were to be frail, and I were to make it public, why the town would only laugh at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had married a girl.

Joseph Surface - That's true, to be surelaugh.

they would

Sir Peter-Laugh! ay, and make ballads, and paragraphs, and the devil knows what of me.

Joseph Surface-No, you must never make it public.

Sir Peter-But then again-that the nephew of my old