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Now, as Joe was not by nature a particu

what was to be seen. The play was one of the usual melodramatic type, with a 'good larly bashful fellow, it may be fairly inferred murder' to begin with, a virtuous young man on whom suspicion falls, complications innumerable brought about by the machinations of a wicked uncle, heart-rending scenes between the hero and his devoted sweetheart, another murder, and a detective officer of superhuman sagacity, who clears everything up just at the right moment, bringing the whole to an orthodox conclusion, with virtue triumphant and villainy vanquished.'

Joe watched the whole of the first act with phlegmatic indifference, but not so the second. The scene of this was laid in a dairy, and the change in Joe's feelings was brought about by the entrance of the dairymaid Phoebe. Was there ever such a charming manipulator of butter seen outside of fairyland? She had not many words to speak, for she was only there as a foil to set off the heroine, resplendent in silks and lace, who had come to the dairy on the sly to meet the hero, the farmer's son.

But Phoebe, in her neat pink dress, with sleeves rolled up, displaying the plumpest of arms and the dimpliest of elbows, deftly patting the butter, and trotting about her work as though she had been brought up inside a dairy all her life, had all Joe's eyes, and he saw nothing of the thrilling love-scene that was being enacted by the resplendent lady and her suitor in the foreground.

from all this that he had fallen in love with the pretty actress. At any rate, when the curtain fell, he had a very faint idea of what the play had all been about, and he had imprinted on his mental retina the picture of a bewitching sylph in a pink gown, which miniature, if not warranted to be indelible, promised to take some time to efface. On consulting his watch, he found that he had just time, by running all the way to the Lion, to get Blossom harnessed and reach the station soon enough to meet his sister's train. He could scarcely have done this, had it been up to time, but fortunately for him it was a few minutes late, and he was waiting on the platform when it arrived. Ruth was looking out for him; and he soon had her seated in the dogcart, well wrapped up in the shawls which her mother had provided to protect her from the night-air, and was driving homeward a good deal faster than he had come; for Blossom needed no reminder from the whip that there was a feed of corn and a cosy stable waiting for him at his journey's end.

After the first mutual inquiries about friends, Ruth had all the talk to herself, for Joe seemed too preoccupied to originate conversation; and as she was doing her best to open the way for telling him a most important secret, closely touching herself, she found his silence rather tantalising. She lapsed into silence herself for a short while, but that made things no better; so at last she drew a long breath and went straight to the point.

'Dick is coming on Saturday, Joe,' she began. He would have come to-day, only they are so busy; and it is so rough travelling on Saturdays, that aunt thought I had better not wait till then.'

'Oh!' ejaculated Joe, only half following what she said; and thereupon followed another interval of silence.

The dairymaid was not tall, by any means; if Joe had had his arm round her waist, and she had been looking up into Joe's face, her chin might have been about the level of Joe's heart, and Joe was five feet ten, so you may guess her height from that. The chin in question was round, and had a most bewitching dimple; her lips were red and pouting. Her nose was just the least little bit tip-tilted;' but her eyes-oh! we can't describe her eyes, for they were large and brown and liquid; and they could be cold and repelling, or languishing and attractive, or merry and sparkling, just as 'Joe!' whispered Ruth at last, nestling closer fitted the mood in which the fair Phoebe might to her brother and laying her head against his be when she looked at you. Furthermore, she arm-'Joe! Dick wants me to marry him; and was plump, but jimp in the waist withal-not-and-I love him very much; and that is of the jimpness engendered by corsets and such- what is bringing him on Saturday, to talk to like devices, but of nature; and the pink gown mother and you about it. You like him, Joe! in which she was dressed was not too long to I know you do!' hide a pair of the smallest of feet and most delicately turned ankles that ever supported a daughter of Eve. And to crown all, she walked about her stage-dairy modestly as a nun, and apparently utterly unconscious of the lookers

on.

When she left the stage, Joe found time to examine his playbill to ascertain the name of this charming creature, whom he found to be therein described as

Phoebe, a dairymaid-MISS PHYLLIS MAY.' All Joe's interest in the drama was now centred in the entrances and exits of Miss Phyllis May. He began to call her by that name to himself, dismissing Phoebe, a dairymaid,' as being a myth; and now and again he felt sure she was looking straight at him, when he blushed, and suddenly became very much interested in the doings of the other actors, until he gathered courage to steal another glance at the charming Phobe.

This roused Joe from his reverie, and slipping his arm round his sister's waist, he kissed her, and said: 'Do you want to leave us, Ruthie? We can't part with you yet a bit, lassie. What would we do without you?'

'O Joe, no! I don't want to leave you,' replied his sister; 'but-but-I love Dick so much, and-and'

'Well, well, Ruthie,' rejoined Joe, 'we can't keep you always; and a better fellow than Dick I couldn't wish you for a husband. So I suppose it will have to be "Yes." But what will the mother say about parting with you, Ruthie?'

'Well, but I've something else to tell you, Joe,' said Ruth. You know their lease is up at Candlemas, and Dalehead is not big enough for both Dick and Tom, so Tom is going to take it on again by himself, and Dick is going to try to get Riggfield. So, if he does, it won't be like going away at all, hardly; will it, Joe?'

As Riggfield was only about a quarter of a mile from Knowecroft, Joe had to acknowledge that there was a saving clause in this arrangement; and as he was on intimate terms with its proprietor, he thought there were good hopes of Dick's being able to secure it.

By this time Blossom had brought them close to their own gate, where Mrs Martindale, who had heard the sound of wheels, was waiting to receive them, having been in a fidget for hours at their non-arrival. And before they went to bed, the matter of Ruth's engagement was broached to her mother, and sufficiently advanced to leave little doubt that when Dick came on Saturday, his answer would not be 'No.'

III.

All next day, while Joe was going about his work in the harvest-field, the vision of a plump and pretty dairymaid, attired in pink, haunted his brain, and pertinaciously refused to be driven away. Then he found himself repeating her name-Phyllis, Phyllis-Phyllis May nice name, Phyllis; just seems to suit her too. And thereupon he began humming to himself the ditty, Phyllis is my only joy! which from thenceforward Joe declared to be the sweetest song in the English language.

"Heigh-ho!' thought he; 'I shall likely never see her again; and even if I did- Come, Joe, lad! this will never do; a pretty farmer's wife

an

actress would make; and what would the mother say!' Which was all very well in its way; but when the vision of a pretty woman takes possession of a young fellow's heart at five-and-twenty, it is not to be exorcised in that fashion.

Saturday came, and with it arrived Dick, a burly, good-natured young farmer; intelligent enough too, but one who found the 'Stock-book' a great deal more to his taste than either Milton or Shakspeare. But to little Ruth he was as a demi-god; for had he not been enshrined in her heart for two long years, ever since she paid a long visit to his sisters on her leaving school? And as both Mrs Martindale and Joe looked with favourable eyes on his suit, Master Dick had a very pleasant time of it that week-end, you may depend upon it. It was a short stay, though, after all; for he had to go back home again on the Monday evening; but before then he had seen the owner of Riggfield and made arrangements to enter upon that, under the circumstances, most desirable' farm, at Candlemas, on a fourteen years' lease.

'Why, Dick,' said Ruth, when he returned to report progress, 'by the time the lease is up, I'll be quite an old woman!'

'Nay, Ruthie, lass,' rejoined Dick; it will be time to talk like that when three such leases are up.'

Joe drove Dick to Carlisle, and prayed that Blossom might fall lame or take some temporary ailment that would afford him an excuse to stay later in the town, and so give him another opportunity of seeing his fair enslaver; but no such good-fuck fell to his lot, and he had to take his way homeward long before the hour at which the theatre opened. And as this was 'positively the last week' of their performance in Carlisle,

he quite made up his mind that he should never look upon her again. But on the Friday, an event happened at Linthwaite which roused that drowsy hamlet from its normal torpor, and it came about in this wise. About four o'clock in the afternoon, while Joe was overlooking the harvesters in one of his fields that lay a short distance from Knowecroft, in an angle where two roads met, he heard the clatter down the main road of a runaway horse and cart. He made a rush for the corner of the field, in the hope of being able to stop the runaway, and leaping the gate, was just in time to see the horse turn into the byroad at full speed. His heart gave a sudden bound, for between him and the excited animal stood, in the middle of the road, and apparently paralysed with fear, a young lady in a pink dress. Now, in Joe's mind for the past week, the conjunction of a young lady and a pink dress had been suggestive of one thought only-of the adorable Phyllis; and now he felt assured that it was she who was going to be killed before his very eyes. The bare idea of this gave him the speed of an athlete and the strength of a madman, and he tore down the road like one possessed. But he was too late to save her, for before he could grasp the bridle, she had been struck down senseless; and he was just in time, by exerting all his force, to twist the animal round and prevent the wheel of the cart from passing over her helpless form.

The men from the harvest-field were by this time running with all speed to the scene of the accident, and to one of them Joe turned over the care of the frightened horse, while he stooped over its victim, to see how much she had suffered from the blow. And it was Miss Phyllis May! Her eyes were closed, and her cheeks were pallid as death; but Joe could detect the flicker of a pulse in her slender wrist, and lifting her in his arms, he carried her into the house. It was only a couple of minutes' walk, but what minutes they were to Joe-alike blissful and terrible. Her dainty head lay on his shoulder, and the light autumn breeze blew stray tresses of her bright brown hair against his cheek. To clasp her thus was ecstasy; but the fear lest those pale eyelids, white as twin snowdrops, should never more unclose in life, was agonising.

Mrs Martindale attended poor Phyllis with motherly anxiety; and as soon as Joe had borne the injured girl up to Ruth's bedroom, he left her to the care of his mother and sister, and saddling his best horse, rode off at full speed for the country-side doctor, who lived some three miles away. Fortunately, he found that gentleman at home, with his sturdy cob standing at the door, ready to carry him on a distant visit; so they were enabled to reach Knowecroft without delay. Meanwhile, the patient had been placed in bed, where, notwithstanding all Mrs Martindale's rustic appliances, she still lay unconscious. But as the doctor entered the room a feeble moan was heard, and the injured girl began to move about, as though in pain. The kindhearted old doctor, after carefully examining her condition, gave instructions as to her treatment

above all things enjoining perfect quiet-and assured them that there was no cause for alarm; for although she was suffering from concussion of the brain, it was only slight. He, however,

Journal

said that he would call again in a few hours, on his way back from visiting some patients at a distance, and then took his departure.

Long before this time, the party in whose company Miss May had come to Linthwaite had arrived at Knowecroft in a state of great alarm, having heard of her accident. It appeared that Mr Nelson, the principal of the dramatic company to which she was attached, had taken his wife and Miss May for a drive from Carlisle round by Linthwaite; and shortly before reaching that place, their horse had cast a shoe, and they had stopped at the village smithy to have it fastened on. Mrs Nelson had remained seated in the conveyance; but Miss May had taken advantage of the halt to saunter on ahead, and it thus happened that she was alone when the accident occurred. As may be imagined, her friends awaited the result of her examination by the doctor in great trepidation, and it was with a feeling of relief that they heard his report as above mentioned. Having to be in Carlisle for that evening's performance, and as a substitute for Phoebe' would have to be got even at the eleventh hour, they could not prolong their stay at Knowecroft; but Mr Nelson promised to drive back as soon as his duties at the theatre were over for the night, to ascertain how Miss May was progressing, and if necessary, to procure additional professional assistance. Dr Graham, however, assured him that this would not be required, and that, although the recovery of his fair patient might be slow, he had every confidence that she was not in a dangerous condition.

Joe was overjoyed at this declaration, and was almost wicked enough to feel that this accident, which might have been fraught with such serious consequences to one who had been in all his thoughts for a whole week, was a most happy one for him. He would allow no one but himself to go to Dr Graham's for some drugs which that gentleman wished to have in readiness in case they should be required; and all the way going and returning he was drawing in his mind roseate pictures of what might be the result of this fortunate meeting with the maiden of his dreams.

The doctor came back according to promise, and found all going on quite satisfactorily. Mr Nelson also returned about midnight, and before taking his leave, said that his professional engagements necessitated his going to Edinburgh on the following day, and would keep him there for at least a week; but he instructed Joe that no expense was to be spared in hastening the recovery of Miss May, who was, he said, much more to him than a mere member of his company, for she was the daughter of a very dear friend, long since dead.

To which Joe replied: 'Mr Nelson, Miss May is my guest, and no one but myself shall spend one shilling on her behalf while she is in my house. And I shall see that nothing is wanting that will be for her good.'

'Mr Martindale,' rejoined the other, 'you are a good fellow. God bless you for it! I leave my friend in your care with the utmost confidence; and whatever you may do for her, I am sure you will never regret. She is not like one of our set. But I must be off, for my wife will

be worrying herself to death till I get back with news how Phyllis is going on.' And shaking hands heartily with Joe, the worthy manager set out once more for Carlisle.

ΤΟ ΤΗΕ ΡΟΙΝΤ.

CAN you fight?' shouted the charity boy through the keyhole. 'No, sir,' replied Oliver Twist meekly, from the other side of the door. Then I'll whop you,' was Mr Noah Claypole's prompt rejoinder. This was to the point with a vengeance, and there are many rejoinders worth chronicling equally prompt, if not so bellicose. A man took a seat in a barber's chair. He asked the barber if he had the same razor he had used the day before. Being answered in the affirmative, the patient man said: "Then give me chloroform.' That was one to the customer, just as the next is one to the barber. An English gentleman, somewhat bald, entered a hairdresser's in Paris to be operated upon, and was thunderstruck to find himself charged ten francs. Ten francs!' he exclaimed, 'for cutting my hair!'-'O no, monsieur; not for cutting your hair, but for finding the hair to cut.'

There is a story of a gentleman when advocating the utility of public schools saying: 'Byron was a Harrow boy.'-'What of that?" said an opponent; 'Burns was a ploughboy.' Equally neat and ready was the woman's answer to an inquirer, who, seeing This cottage for sail' painted on a board, politely asked a woman in front of the house when the cottage was to sail. 'Just as soon as the man comes who can raise the wind,' was her quick reply.

A shabbily dressed woman called upon a gentleman for aid, claiming that she was in a starving condition. He looked upon her plethoric form, estimating the avoirdupois of the superfluous fat, and answered: You don't look like a starving woman.'-'I know it,' she whiningly answered; 'I'm bloated with grief.'

A railroad engineer saying that the usual life of a locomotive was only thirty years, a passenger remarked that such a tough-looking thing ought to live longer than that. Well,' responded the engineer, perhaps it would, if it didn't smoke so much.'

'I think I'll get out and stretch my legs a little,' said a tall man, as the train stopped at a station. 'Oh, don't!' said a passenger who had been sitting opposite to him, and who had been much embarrassed by the legs of his tall companion-'don't do that! They are too long already!' A fast youth asked at a city restaurant: What have you got?' 'Almost everything, sir,' was the reply.-Well, give me a plate of that.' 'Yes 'ir.-Hash!' shouted the waiter down the speaking-tube.

The

More good-natured and quite as much to the point is the following. A man was hurrying along the street the other night, when another man, also in violent haste, rushed out of an alley, and the two collided with great force. second man looked mad; while the polite man, taking off his hat, said: My dear sir, I don't know which of us is to blame for this violent encounter, but I am in too great a hurry to investigate. If I ran into you, I beg your pardon ;

if you ran into me, don't mention it;' and he tore away at redoubled speed.

Well matched in politeness and readiness was a gentleman whose button caught hold of the fringe on a lady's shawl. 'I'm attached to you,' said the gentleman, laughing, while he was industriously trying to get loose. The attachment is mutual,' was the good-natured reply.

Woman's wit was not badly illustrated when an idle fop said to a lady: 'My dear Miss Smith, why did you not take advantage of leap-year to get married?'-'Because I am not able to earn enough to support a husband,' was the unexpected answer. Equally ready was a young miss to whom her sweetheart said: 'You are such a strange girl, that really I don't know what to make of you.''Well, then, I'll tell you, Charlie,' she replied-'make a wife of me.' It is satisfactory to add that he did so at the earliest opportunity.

Two young married French ladies were talking about their husbands. Said one of them: 'Do you really think your Jules went shooting yesterday? Well, I don't think he tried to deceive me yesterday; I'm inclined to think he went.''But he didn't bring back any game?' "That's what makes me feel sure he did go!' was the wife's reply.

As ready, but more spiteful, was the answer to a crusty old fellow, who once asked: What is the reason that griffins, dragons, and demons are ladies' favourite subjects for embroidery designs?'-'Oh, because they are continually thinking of their husbands,' was the lady's quick

retort.

More pointed than polite is the following strange receipt for conjugal harmony. Concerning a couple well known for their outward and visible mutual affection, it was asked by a neighbour: Why is she so fond of her husband?' 'Because he is perfectly unintelligible.'-' And why does he adore her?' 'Because she is almost a little idiot.'

A lady once remarked to a clever actor who had a broken nose: 'I like your acting, sir; but, to be frank with you, I can't get over your nose.' -'No wonder, madam,' replied he; the bridge is gone.' Equally ready was another actor whose benefit resulted in a very thin house. The actress in the scene with him speaking very low in her communications with her lover, he exclaimed with woful humour: 'My dear, you may speak out; there is nobody to hear us.' It is related that at the opera in Dublin, a gentleman sarcastically asked a man standing up in front of him if he was aware he was opaque. The other denied the allegation, and said he was O'Brien.

The natural readiness of the Irish is well shown in an argument between a Saxon and a Celt respecting the nationality of various great men who had lived and died. The Irishman had successively claimed each one mentioned as a countryman of his own, till at length the Englishman, somewhat nettled, inquired: 'How about Shakspeare was he an Irishman?' to which he received the reply: 'Well, I can't say exactly, but at all events he had the abilities of one.' A German paper tells a story of a certain general whose servant was in the habit of getting intoxicated. 'Jacques,' at last said his master

to him, 'I shall have to send you about your business; I hear dreadful tales of your goingson.'-Ah, general,' replied Jacques, quite unabashed, if I believed all the bad things people say about you, I should have gone away myself long ago.'

For calm presence of mind in the way of answer, the following deserves a foremost place. 'Do you drink?' said a temperance reformer to a beggar who had implored alms of him. 'Yes, thank you, sir,' returned the candid pauper; where shall we go?'

'What are you going to do when you grow up, if you don't know how to read, write, and cipher?' asked a school-teacher of a lazy, stupid boy, who replied: 'I'm going to be a schoolmaster, an' make the boys do all the readin', writin', and cipherin'. A small boy who is one of a family of ten children was taken out for a drive with his mother. As they drove past a small cottage of two rooms, Johnnie called his mother's attention to it, who remarked that it was a very small house. 'Yes,' replied Johnnie meditatively; it's small; but it would be plenty big enough for our family if it wasn't for you and the children.'

This was matched in readiness by a lad who applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth. The captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope and said: 'If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends of the rope.'-'I can do it,' he readily replied. Here is one, and here is another that makes two. Now, here's the third,' and he threw it overboard.

'Don't you find it hurts your lawn to let your children play upon it?' asked a friend of a suburban the other day. 'Yes,' answered the gentleman addressed; but it doesn't hurt the children.'

'Are you lost, my little fellow?' asked a gentleman of a four-year old one day. 'No,' he sobbed in reply; 'but my mother is.'-'And how does Charlie like going to school?' kindly inquired a good man of a juvenile who was waiting with a tin can in his hand the advent of a com

panion. 'I like goin' well enough,' he replied; but I don't like staying after I get there.'

Quite as ingenious as ingenuous was the answer of a boy who was kept after school for bad orthography, and excused himself to his parents by saying that he was spell-bound.-'What shall I talk to you about?' said a clergyman to some school-children. 'About ten minutes,' exclaimed a young girl.

Here's your money, dolt!' cried an angry debtor. Now tell me why your master wrote eighteen letters about that paltry sum?' 'I am sure I can't tell, sir,' said the shopboy; but I think it was because seventeen letters didn't fetch it.'

'Don't you know it is very wrong to smoke, my boy?' said an old lady to a youngster who persisted in puffing a cheap cigar. 'Oh, I smoke for my health,' answered the boy saucily. 'But you never heard of a cure by smoking,' she continued presently. 'O yes, I did,' persisted the boy, blowing a big cloud; that's the way they cure pigs'-'Smoke on, then,' quickly replied the old lady; 'there's some hope for you yet.'

An American strolled into a fashionable church just before the service began. The sexton followed him up, and tapping him on the shoulder, and pointing to a small cur that had followed him into the sacred edifice, said: 'Dogs are not admitted. That's not my dog,' replied the visitor. 'But he follows you.''Well, so do you.' The sexton growled, and removed the dog with unnecessary violence.

'That sermon did me good,' said one friend to another, after hearing an eloquent preacher. 'We shall see,' was the reply.

A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all were affected except one man, who was asked why he did not weep with the rest. 'Oh,' said he, 'I belong to another parish.' Student reciting: And-er-then he-erwent-er-and-er'- The class laugh. Professor: Don't laugh, gentlemen; to err is human.'

'Is it a sin,' asked a fashionable lady of her spiritual director, 'for me to feel pleasure when a gentleman says I am handsome?' 'It is, my daughter,' he replied gravely; 'we should never delight in falsehood.'-'Doctor,' said a gentleman to his clergyman, 'how can I best train my boy in the way he should go?' 'By going that way yourself,' was the unexpected reply. Being asked how he liked the performance of a certain Dramatic Club, an auditor replied that he should hardly call it a club, but rather a collection of sticks.'

The foregoing are severe enough, but for concentrated spite must yield the palm to the one with which we conclude. An impecunious fortune-hunter had been accepted by an heiress. At the wedding, when that portion of the ceremony was reached where the bridegroom says, 'With all my worldly goods I thee endow, a spiteful relative of the bride exclaimed: "There goes his valise !'

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For some little time afterwards nothing in particular was remarked with regard to its bereaved parent's conduct, beyond natural grief at such a separation. Subsequently, a daily habit of unaccountably absenting herself from home for consecutive hours gradually attracted her owner's notice, more especially as these mysterious disappearances seemed always to occur at precisely the same portion of each morning and evening. Diligent search was therefore made about the immediate neighbourhood of her master's bungalow, yet without any satisfactory result being attained, the absentee continuing to vanish as before. Towards noon, and again on the approach of night, the animal, still,

invariably returned, having evidently during the interim endured no trifling degree of fatigue in some active pursuit. Under these circumstances, a trustworthy servant was set to watch her movements more closely, with strict orders to follow-unobserved as far as practicable-whithersoever the wanderer's footsteps might lead. A striking instance of more than ordinary maternal devotion was brought to light, combined with reflective powers of intellect much beyond what can be expressed, merely, by the conventual term 'instinct.'

Shortly after the usual breakfast of rice had been supplied to the dogs collectively, on the ensuing morning, a start was made by the Singalese servant and his charge for the new home of the puppy. The messenger then ascertained from the resident coolies that not only did their popular visitor arrive regularly every morning and evening to enjoy a fleeting interview with the young dog, where it was chained, but, in addition, as much rice as could possibly be conveyed in her mouth was brought there on each occasion to be laid down before the gratified puppy! An offering clearly reserved from her own allowance of breakfast and supper, for that truly laudable purpose. This slight repast, supplied at the cost of so much exertion and solicitude, being concluded, to the visible contentment of both parties concerned, and, after allowing herself only such a brief period of reward or repose, the loving creature set out on her homeward journey. Surely she carried therein a cheering consciousness of having, to the utmost verge of a limited ability, done her duty in that state of life unto which she had been called.

The above simple story is no oriental romance, but a plain fact, resting on unquestionable authority. It will, indeed, only appear incredible to those persons who, through being unfamiliar with our dumb fellow-pilgrims, are unable even to comprehend, still less to appreciate, their capabilities of reason and affection.

A NEW EXPLOSIVE. THE consignment to Egypt of a quantity of blasting-gelatine, to aid in the removal of rocks and boulders which obstructed the passage of the Nile expedition, calls attention to a new material, at once the most recent and the most powerful explosive yet introduced.

In outline, the manufacture and composition of this new explosive will be readily understood. Nitro-cotton, finely divided, is added to nitroglycerine, heated in a copper vessel; the mixture-which consists of seven parts of the former material to ninety-three of the latter is then well stirred, and ultimately acquires a viscid consistency, which on cooling, stiffens, and becomes semi-transparent. Notwithstanding the fact that blasting-gelatine is a safer explosive than either nitro-glycerine or dynamite, the process is both difficult and dangerous, and requires special precautions; for should the nitro-glycerine which enters into its composition be raised to too high a temperature, an explosion will in all probability ensue. Blasting-gelatine, like its principal ingredient, nitro-glycerine, readily freezes, but, unlike that substance, appears to become more explosive when congealed.

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